Mission Closure!

~Giggles Giggles Giggles~ Well now that I'm done making fun of my title I'll move on to tell you how I got closure. It had very little to do with my will to move on and a lot to do with a person who cared about me enough to put in much of her energy to help me get over my heart break. Yeah, she used tact and cunning, at times even harsh words, she also used movies and shopping and long talks over coffee - all this so I could get over a boy!

It happened in July... it started with a question. A question that deserved an answer not an excuse. The strange thing is that I could feel it that there was something wrong for quite a long time. But I guess I was too weak and far too dependant on him to actually face the truth. So I confided in her (as I always d0) I told her my fears, my doubts... and as I spoke to her, it became real for me. I realised that I did indeed have a problem. She advised me to question him, tell him whatever I'd told her, tell him what was bothering me, tell him all... And thats what I did.

Well the outcome was not quite what I thought it would be. Where I needed answers and assurances I got excuses and counter-questions. Well I guess that was typical... of me and him. I'd dug myself a grave and lay there prettily and naively... waiting. Guess I was waiting for exactly this to happen, waiting for three and a half fucking years.

It was all so confusing with him. Now green signal then again Stop! Red signal! It was a mad confusion of happiness and tears. She blamed me, told me I'd given him too much. Too much control, too much of my life. But she didnt get it or maybe she did. I dont know. I was in so deep my spine was jelly. I couldnt imagine life without him and on most days (even good ones) I felt like I didn't wanna have a life with him. But yet... I wanted to marry him. I loved him so much I could barely breathe. All I could feel was the need for him... the ache to have him in my life. The never-ending greed to see him smile bcos of something nice I've done for him. The need to see him smile at me... to love me, to hold me...

When I write this now it feels so alien to me. Like that person was someone I barely know! Some one from a different life... a whole different person. Not me! Definitely not me! And if it wasnt for my best friend I wouldn't be wrting this in the first place. Especially not with such... detachment.

So.. as I was saying... after I got my reply or rather non-reply and realised that there was a problem, I did what I do best when faced with a problem. I pretended everything was peachy... for maybe a week or so and I avoided her calls cos I knew she'd have a ton of questions. Anyways, I finally spoke to her (shes really hard to ignore u know) She didn't even have to ask. It just came spilling out.

From that point on things were a crazy roller-coaster ride. I broke up with him by texting him (Harsh! I know) and he was too egotistical to come off his high horse.

She made it a point to be around as much as she could. I'm glad she did that, it kept me sane. I remember at one point she even came down to my house cos I wasn't answering ,y phone.

Distance from him was what I needed but that was the one thing I didn't want. Throughout that time I had just one thought, 'Miserable with him, miserable without him. Which should I choose?' It was like a mantra for me. Most of the time I'd decide that I'd rather be miserable with him. I hoped and dreamed and wished that if we'd stick together things would work out and get better. But he didn't do a thing to get back to me, not even when I went to him. It was really pathetic, I begged him to come back and he gave me smartass comebacks. (hehe marvel at my creativity with words!)

She didn't want me to beg and plead and that made sense, I was damaged goods already and it would have been in my best interest to leave with whatever dignity I had left. But I guess I'm a sucker for pain, I used to thrive on it!

The turning point for me came when I developed a crush on her cousin. She encouraged my girly crush and we'd spend hours chatting about it. I managed to push Shankar at the back of my mind, he was there, he was always there...

Around this time I also became friends with one of the most amazing guys I've known till date. We became best friends almost over night. Now my life was full with my two best friends and I barely had time to think about Shankar. My thoughts would stray back to him in the nights. It was as if the empty nights were made for thinking of him. But that too was very rare as I had developed an addiction for Harry Potter Forums, its a US based HP community and I had a ton of friends there and I used to stay up all night talking to them about Harry Potter. (Those were fun times lols.) By the time I'd go to bed I was too tired to think and that worked for me great.

I was more or less over him thanks to Mots... actually I got used to not having him around. But yet I wasn't sure, I needed to know if we were actually done. That was one of the many things about him, he always has a way of keeping me hanging... waiting in suspense.I decided to end the suspense and I spoke to him online (guess about 2 months ago) I asked him straight out if he'd moved on and he said he had. That hurt... a little... actually alot! I guess in the end pain was the thing that drove me to move on. I was tired of being hurt. Tired of crying. I wanted to be happy and if not for real I decided I'd pretend to be happy. I'm not so sure if I'm pretending anymore or if this is the real thing. I haven't seen him in over 6 months now. Not sure if i want to. I'm not so sure how I'll react if I do see him. Either I'll lunge at him and try to claw his face or try and french kiss him, I'm guessing its gonna be one of these two extreme reactions.

I dont know if I'm actually over him. I know I've moved on... but can you truly be over someone you love? I know with absolute certainity that I dont want him back in my life. But I'm not so sure if he's out of it either. I do know this -
I'm glad I have Mots in my life, she keeps me going.
I'm glad I have my friends, they keep me sane.
I'm not done with relationships.
I've not given up on men.
I still believe in love.
I'm still looking for it... (anybody got a map???)