Mission Closure!

~Giggles Giggles Giggles~ Well now that I'm done making fun of my title I'll move on to tell you how I got closure. It had very little to do with my will to move on and a lot to do with a person who cared about me enough to put in much of her energy to help me get over my heart break. Yeah, she used tact and cunning, at times even harsh words, she also used movies and shopping and long talks over coffee - all this so I could get over a boy!

It happened in July... it started with a question. A question that deserved an answer not an excuse. The strange thing is that I could feel it that there was something wrong for quite a long time. But I guess I was too weak and far too dependant on him to actually face the truth. So I confided in her (as I always d0) I told her my fears, my doubts... and as I spoke to her, it became real for me. I realised that I did indeed have a problem. She advised me to question him, tell him whatever I'd told her, tell him what was bothering me, tell him all... And thats what I did.

Well the outcome was not quite what I thought it would be. Where I needed answers and assurances I got excuses and counter-questions. Well I guess that was typical... of me and him. I'd dug myself a grave and lay there prettily and naively... waiting. Guess I was waiting for exactly this to happen, waiting for three and a half fucking years.

It was all so confusing with him. Now green signal then again Stop! Red signal! It was a mad confusion of happiness and tears. She blamed me, told me I'd given him too much. Too much control, too much of my life. But she didnt get it or maybe she did. I dont know. I was in so deep my spine was jelly. I couldnt imagine life without him and on most days (even good ones) I felt like I didn't wanna have a life with him. But yet... I wanted to marry him. I loved him so much I could barely breathe. All I could feel was the need for him... the ache to have him in my life. The never-ending greed to see him smile bcos of something nice I've done for him. The need to see him smile at me... to love me, to hold me...

When I write this now it feels so alien to me. Like that person was someone I barely know! Some one from a different life... a whole different person. Not me! Definitely not me! And if it wasnt for my best friend I wouldn't be wrting this in the first place. Especially not with such... detachment.

So.. as I was saying... after I got my reply or rather non-reply and realised that there was a problem, I did what I do best when faced with a problem. I pretended everything was peachy... for maybe a week or so and I avoided her calls cos I knew she'd have a ton of questions. Anyways, I finally spoke to her (shes really hard to ignore u know) She didn't even have to ask. It just came spilling out.

From that point on things were a crazy roller-coaster ride. I broke up with him by texting him (Harsh! I know) and he was too egotistical to come off his high horse.

She made it a point to be around as much as she could. I'm glad she did that, it kept me sane. I remember at one point she even came down to my house cos I wasn't answering ,y phone.

Distance from him was what I needed but that was the one thing I didn't want. Throughout that time I had just one thought, 'Miserable with him, miserable without him. Which should I choose?' It was like a mantra for me. Most of the time I'd decide that I'd rather be miserable with him. I hoped and dreamed and wished that if we'd stick together things would work out and get better. But he didn't do a thing to get back to me, not even when I went to him. It was really pathetic, I begged him to come back and he gave me smartass comebacks. (hehe marvel at my creativity with words!)

She didn't want me to beg and plead and that made sense, I was damaged goods already and it would have been in my best interest to leave with whatever dignity I had left. But I guess I'm a sucker for pain, I used to thrive on it!

The turning point for me came when I developed a crush on her cousin. She encouraged my girly crush and we'd spend hours chatting about it. I managed to push Shankar at the back of my mind, he was there, he was always there...

Around this time I also became friends with one of the most amazing guys I've known till date. We became best friends almost over night. Now my life was full with my two best friends and I barely had time to think about Shankar. My thoughts would stray back to him in the nights. It was as if the empty nights were made for thinking of him. But that too was very rare as I had developed an addiction for Harry Potter Forums, its a US based HP community and I had a ton of friends there and I used to stay up all night talking to them about Harry Potter. (Those were fun times lols.) By the time I'd go to bed I was too tired to think and that worked for me great.

I was more or less over him thanks to Mots... actually I got used to not having him around. But yet I wasn't sure, I needed to know if we were actually done. That was one of the many things about him, he always has a way of keeping me hanging... waiting in suspense.I decided to end the suspense and I spoke to him online (guess about 2 months ago) I asked him straight out if he'd moved on and he said he had. That hurt... a little... actually alot! I guess in the end pain was the thing that drove me to move on. I was tired of being hurt. Tired of crying. I wanted to be happy and if not for real I decided I'd pretend to be happy. I'm not so sure if I'm pretending anymore or if this is the real thing. I haven't seen him in over 6 months now. Not sure if i want to. I'm not so sure how I'll react if I do see him. Either I'll lunge at him and try to claw his face or try and french kiss him, I'm guessing its gonna be one of these two extreme reactions.

I dont know if I'm actually over him. I know I've moved on... but can you truly be over someone you love? I know with absolute certainity that I dont want him back in my life. But I'm not so sure if he's out of it either. I do know this -
I'm glad I have Mots in my life, she keeps me going.
I'm glad I have my friends, they keep me sane.
I'm not done with relationships.
I've not given up on men.
I still believe in love.
I'm still looking for it... (anybody got a map???)

I, Robot!!!

Expect
According to the Longman Family Dictionary (thats the only dictionary I could get my hands on, couldn't find my trusty Oxford) 'Expect' means
- to look forward with anticipation;
- to consider reasonable. due, or necessary;
- to consider bound in duty or obligated;
- to be pregnant ~rolls eyes and sniggers~

Well so many meanings for one tiny word. And such a tiny word but yet its at the core of every human. Hmmm I guess from all the above meanings the pregnancy thing is the only positive one... Unless ofcourse its unplanned, then you gotta do something 'bout it asap. (To have or not to have, that is the question!)

Well my views on pregnancy and everything connected would deserve a whole other blog post. So back to topic... Expect. That's in basic human nature. And its so bizarre cos we don't always get what we expect. Sometimes far from it. I expected to marry the boy I was in love with, have his kids, live with him - basically have a fairytale marriage with the whole 'happily ever after' cliche too. But that didn't work out, did it? The powers that be had different plans for me.

I think expecting is just setting yourself up for disappointment.

What does it mean when you say 'I expected too much'? Why do you need to expect at all? Why does all relationships, connections, networks, EVERYTHING have to have some expectation involved???

I guess I'm just saying all this right now cos I'm in a blissful state of non-expectation . (I'm using the words 'blissful state' alot these days. Am i high or am i high? lols) Guess the whole Kinger episode was a rude wake-up call. But would I go back to expecting again? Is it really justified to actually expect anything from others??? I think it all comes down to this -- If the input is good its quite natural to expect a good output.

Unless we don't balance the give and take, all we gonna do is be either just giving or just taking...

I feel like such a fucking machine at times. Family been expecting from me all my life. Friends - same story. Boyfriend had his own set of fucked up expectations as well. Even my cats expect from me!!!

Gosh! I'm making myself out to be such a victim!!! Lols...

I am so rambling on... Its just that its hardly been a whole week and 3 people have already told me that they expected too much for me... and the thought that I'm a disappointment doesn't quite sink well with me...

Disclaimer: Everything mentioned in the above post is a creation of the authors overly imaginative and terribly screwed up mind. Any resemblance to any person or incident is purely coincidental.

Happy 25th!!!

I can't believe I actually started 11th Jan by panicking and imagining I had premid-life crisis. Now I feel that this thing called premid-life crisis was created with the same intentions as Santa Claus. See Santa Claus was created to scare lil kids into being good, premid-life crisis was created inorder to scare young people into getting a grip on their lives.

But anyways, I'm supposed to be talking 'bout my birthday. Wow I have amazing friends. I seriously can't believe that all of last week I was wondering if I had wasted my life. Can't believe I was cribbing that I hadn't done a single good thing worth talking about. Now I know that atleast I made great friends... That's an incredible feeling!

Oh Wow! The stuff Mots has done for me... she actually went down to Mt. Mary's (my boarding school) and spoke to Sister Marie for me. Wow man seeing Mount Mary's really brought back everything. It was incredible back then... ~sighs~ I didnt realise she knew me that well, that she knew how important that place is for me. Good Lord! I absolutely LOVE her!!!

Ever since I've known her my birthdays have been with her, well all except one. Till date I've spent 3 of my birthdays with her - my 22nd, 24th and 25th - all these birthday plans were hers and all of them were GREAT plans ~smiles~

On my 22nd we went to Essel World ~giggles~, 24th she baked me cakes and later we went to Temptations and as for 25th... What can I say about 25th?

I had a 2 day birthday for my 25th!!!

I absolutely love surprises and adore impromptu plans! Lemme explain.

Well my friends landed up at my doorstep at 7:30 in the morning with a cake. I was such a mess... my hair was oiled, I was wearing tracks and an overized tee and I had just gotten out of bed. I open the door and find them there... needless to say i was shocked! I think I even swore at them!!! Well we cut the cake and they sang 'happy birthday' for me and showered me with flower petals and also tried to give me birthday bums (Gosh I really HATE that tradition, glad i escaped it. I mean imagine 25 birthday bums! I surely couldn't let my ass suffer that) Well after all this they showed me the movie they made for me. OMFG! It was so sweet. Everyone and everything important to me were on the movie. Mount Marys, Sr Marie, Mum, CCD, my cats, my friends, my fave RADIO song, SIES, Wigan... It was all so... perfect! It felt so... I've never felt so loved.

Hehehe they made the movie right under my nose and I didnt even know. Quite a detective I am eh? Well actually I did sense somethings up but I had so many other things to deal with... my false premid-life crisis for one. And i could never have imagined that they'd make a movie for me...
And if I'm a good detective Mots is a good double agent. She managed to make sure that things didnt get so obvious that I'd be compelled to snoop.

Well anyways after that we had to rush cos I had to go to college. Had a freakin exam. However, the powers that be had a different plan for me. Mr. Gladiator raced like crazy on the highway but we got held up in traffic in the city. That among other things resulted in me being terribly late and sadly I missed my exam.

Well from there everything else was peachy. We met up at H'n'T for lunch. It was tons of fun. In the evening we just kinda decided to go to Hard Rock. That was loads of fun too. Hard Rock rocks my socks WooHoo!!! :) Well... got drunk, ate good food and me got home real late. Ended the day by talking to a sea creature. (read got the talks and made a fool of myself) Got up zonked the next day but I had an exam so I had to put on my war face. After exam met Mots and got the talks from her.

Later on a whim we decided that we were'nt done with my birthday yet. Dragged Gladiator along and landed up at Sports Bar (colaba). Ate random stuff and I tried out their shooters (WOOT WOOT!!!) After that we hung out at Chowpatty. That place is so darn beautiful! From Chowpatty we drove to Worli Seaface (eh what can i say I have a HUGE thing for the sea) We ended the day... and my birthday party with dinner at SnF.

This was my best birthday so far!!! I think I love being 25 too... eh! Its not that bad. I may not have done that good in career and love but I totally scored when it came to friends and also my decision to do my Post Grad was a good one... Well more or less I did pretty good and as for the other stuff ummm It will all just fall into place... I'm sure!

Life at Hogwarts

It would be a terrible shame if I didnt mention Harry Potter in this blog. Mainly because its such a huge part of my life and especially since the name of my blog is directly out of Harry's magical world.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and everything related belongs to J.K. Rowling - I tried to bully her into giving me Draco Malfoy but she wouldn't agree. This is not a fan fiction (it might at times border on it though) This is majorly just wishful thinking.

So well now that i got that outta the way lets move on to discover what my life would be like if I actually were a witch.


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Things are and always have been really strange in my life. Stuff just seems to happen around me, like the time my elder brother had an upset stomach for three days only because he didnt share his food with me and worse he mocked me too (true story ~winks~)

Then at age 11 an owl arrives with a letter for me. I'm surprised (...shocked even) after i read the letter. Apparantly I'm a witch and I've been called to join this school called Hogwarts!!! Neither my Mum nor my Dad are even close to being magical... so how the hell can i be a witch??? Well if I was shocked u cn imagine my parents' condition... They were in a frenzy. We are all very confused and very scared and realise we gotta stick to each and somehow get through this. We decide to do what every modern American family does - (yeah i know I'm an Indian and I'm witing bout being in England... but just go with it okay...) Well anyways we decide to get family counselling.

Our counsellor was old, tall and a wise looking man. He had long white hair and a white beard of a length that would give Santa Claus a run for his money. But the best thing about him were his eyes... He had blue twinkling eyes, and he wore half-moon glasses over his long, crooked nose. But the craziest thing was the way he was dressed - he wore a claok over long robes and high-heeled, buckled boots! I knew from the time I laid eyes on him that the counselling sessions would be interesting!

Strangely, we just had one session and my parents were convinced that Hogwarts would be good for me. So we shook hands with Dr. Dumbledore (quite a strange name eh) and went off to get me ready for magic school.

Well from there things were a magical blur.. shoppping for the strangest of school supplies - wand, spell books, cauldron, school robes, parchment, quills and an owl!... Next thing I know I'm on the train to Hogwarts. (Now I'm too lazy to detail the journey, all I'll say about it is that it was BEAUTIFUL. You wanna know how beautiful? Read HP!!!)

I'll skip to the sorting now... Well I was sorted into Gryffindor! No surprise there... I have a Gryffindor heart. ~smiles~

But now when I think back I so wish I were in Slytherin, things would have been so much easier that way... ~sighs~

You see the thing is that I fell in love with a Slytherin...

He was in my year and he was oh so gorgeously bad. The kind of guy my dear mother warned me about. He had silver blonde hair, a constant smirk on his face (which looked so sinfully good), steely cold eyes and a heart to match those eyes. He was clever and charming and sarcastic and was always taunting Harry Potter in such a brutally funny way that I couldn't help but laugh... in private ofcourse didnt want teh golden trio cursing me to oblivion.

We were friendly - as friendly as a Gryffindor and Slytherin could be without raising any eyebrows. We taunted and baited each other all in good humor, to anyone else it seemed like normal house rivalry. But we knew better. Our fights were largely friendly and always good natured.

We could never really be friends so it was beyond all logical reason to even imagine anything more. But hey I love chasing them shooting stars! Its so typical of me to move from the Khans and Kingers of the Muggle world to the Malfoys of the wizarding world.

There is no Voldy or any tragedy here. (Again if you want Voldy or some kinda tragedy read HP!) There isnt even a happy ending to this. In fact, there is no end to this, cos I can't think of any way to end it. Yeah I could say that the friendly fights led to mutual adoration, respect and then love and we lived happily ever after!...

But what's the point? More importantly - What's the fun in that???

There are parties... and then there are PARTAYS!!!!

Time : 7:45 pm

Date : 31st December 2007

Location : Marcella, Madh Island.

3 unsuspecting victims get here far too early for the party haha.. much earlier than the silly organisers too :p... my first impression of the place... Beautiful (happy Sharad?) but really it was amazing... nice bunglow and a terrace and balcony too... and believe it or not a swimming pool ~blushes~ ( me and that pool had quite a good time together lols)

Well people only started to show up (ok ppl tht i knew) only after 9:30... so no point talkin bout anything what happened before that... Oh yeah.. a special mention Mr Shah turned up around 9 with music and beer (yeah beer grrrrrr) and by the time it was 10 I'd explored the bunglow, drank a bottle of beer and had made friends with a cat... Oh yeah i also tried to make friends with these Nepali kids (im assuming they were Nepali cos of their eyes and nose NOT bcos they were the caretakers kids) Well i tried making friends with them... even sang a nepali song for them but didnt manage to cut any ice there... :(

So well people poured in and the party started. Well this was my first new years eve out with friends - okay not exactly I was out with my ex last year but was with his family so it was nothing to write home about. So well I had decided on the way to the party that this would be the best party I'd been to... but OMFG i had no idea what was in store....

Well somewhere before 10 the good booze arrived and things got a lot better :) From there it was a mad frenzy of vodka shots, dancing and randomness... well there was a lot of stuff happening and I remember most of it... only thing I dont remember in what order it all happened...

Hmmm I was sloshed by 11 I guess... and i remember dancing with the banister on the balcony like it was the sexiest thing in the party lols... The music was great and the alcohol was plenty, the night was beautiful... me and a friend even howled at the moon!


Well after this things got 'random' and i lost track of time... I remember trying to seduce my friends into dancing with me... or was I just seducing them for the heck of it??? hmmm Anywho... i remember at one point i jumped into the pool ~giggles~ Well I've told this story soooo many times to my friends, but it never gets old for me. There was just something about that pool, it kept calling me... It felt great to get into that pool... I cant swim for shit but that didnt bother me. All that mattered was i was in there and it felt unreal... like a dream. But then the other jerks at the party (the ones I didnt know) were staring at me and hooting and stuff... and i was back on earth lols and i realised how cold it was and i had to get out... wish I didnt have to get out... it really did feel good in there...
When I got into that pool... I wasnt sure if I was really in the pool or if I was imagining the whole thing. All logical reason told me that I wasnt cos I can't swim for shit so why would I get into the pool??? But my senses were swimming, my mind felt submerged and I was kinda dancing in slow motion. It was the most surreal experience I've ever had.

I wish I could stay in there forever. I wish those Gujju fucks hadn't gathered around to cheer and hoot. (I guess tht was a wake up call... either that or realising how cold i felt. But this is my blog and I feel like blaming themm!!!)

Couldnt help but wonder... What is it with people??? Can't any experience be private???


At some point I also explored the parking area ~giggles~... I picked a fight with a friend... actually he got upset with me and I didnt try to make things right with him (we're still friends its all good now... umm kinda)

We slept real late, got up real early and left there thinking that what happened in Madh Island would stay in Madh Island!

Umm overall... I loved it. Dont have a single complaint or regret!

And yeah... I still do miss that pool...

Lets start with December 2007...

Well... I think it would be purrrfect to start a new blog with a month (and year) that's long gone. December 2007 has been in more ways than one the start and the end for me. I mean who would've thunk it that me of all people would kiss two guys (2 best friends at that) in one night!!! But well... lets not rush into things now. I've quit my job, there's nothing good on t.v and i dont feel like talking to friends at the mo... Right now I have all day to ramble on about my adventures and misadventures.

JOB! Oh Yeah... That was a disaster waiting to happen... I joined Purple in November and by the end of December I was beyond ready to quit. Many reasons... many issues. There are certain things i cant run and hide form, certain things I have no control over. But Purple... that was one thing i had to put in my past and so i did... So much for the career front... But all things said... purple wasnt such a huge regret... i learned stuff there... career wise as well as people wise... and i met 2 most amazing people there.... so yeah I'm really glad Purple happened when it did... I met an old friend there and made a new one. ~smiles~ those were good times... standing out in the balcony and just chatting away over cups of coffee... (OMG the coffee was terrible by the way lols) Yeah i will miss purple... really will mainly i'll miss those friends.

So yeah... lets move on to the more interesting stuff....

Lets talk bout the kisses or rather the guy behind them. Well.... all i can say is that it just happened. And Oh My God! it was blissful... "So wrong and yet so right" thats the only way i can describe it.

The first time he kissed me... the location was wrong, the feeling behind it was wrong. But the kiss? The kiss was perfect. I didnt get it then and i wont pretend to get it now. All I know is that I truly enjoyed kissing him and wanted to keep doing that over and over without a care for the consequences. We'll talk about the consequences later... lets first get done with the good stuff ~winks~
Well the kisses.... they were sensual and special and they left me wanting for more... and more I got. I loved spending time with him... i absolutely loved talkin to him. We'd talk bout the most random things and the most non-sensical things... i loved being his friend. But thats not all that i wanted.... and thats where the goddamn consequences came in the shape and form of people. People who i cared about and also people who he cared about. But wait... this is my blog and so I should be writing my point of view rather than his... maybe i'll write his POV when I'm in a more generous mood ~smirks~

Well... I really love my friends... But I hate it when people keep telling me whats good for me and whats not. I mean after a certain point it just gets old... Most of the time I've ended up getting hurt cos others were looking out 'for my own good' I'm not stupid... umm ok maybe a lil stupid remember the other guy i kissed? But hey if I screw up it would be my fault and I'd deal with it... like I'm dealing now.

Lols... Gosh I'm soooo done with wild parties!!

But yeah i do still miss the pool...